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The first thing to do would be to invite the neighbour over to assist in the mourning for the hamster.
She must be informed of course that the preferred dress - for her - must include black stocking, suspender belt, short black skirt, crisp white blouse, (bra optional) choker necklace and white frilly cap.
If this sounds like the traditional French Maid outfit from films just where do you think I got the idea? A tiny coffin having been prepared then a minuscule grave must be ready and after a suitable eulogy the carcase summarily tipped into said hole.
The skill factor must be high to ensure that said lady is then invited into your house and the lady inveigled into staying until such time as your appetite for consummation of physical and spiritual (ie chocolate) needs are thoroughly sated.
To then get rid of her claim that a large German lorry driver bearing a large sausage is looming large upon the horizon and he may take exception to her mode of dress. That should get her to beat a hasty retreat and you can then lie back and reflect upon a very satisfactory conclusion to the day.
The only discussion needed is whether or not to answer this.
Sorry - forgot about the scratty moggy. While you are suitably engaged with the neighbour get a small boy to make off with same to a distant field, tie a rocket to its tail, ignite said firework and report back later as to how high it got.
Last edited by Terry Carey
Aut cursu, aut cominus armis