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john daly
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A man walks into a bar with an Emu , he orders a Pint and a Babycham. The barman says Ł5.40p. and the man pulls out the exact money to pay.
Following night they are in again and the man pulls out the correct money again. On the third night same thing so the Barman says "I’m curious how it is whatever you order and i ask you to pay you always pull out the right amount out of your pocket?" and whats with the big Emu on Babychams.?
Well says the fellow, its like this, i was playing golf, hit a shot into the woods, broke an old bottle and this let a Genie out. He was so grateful that he said he would grant me Two wishes. So i wished for "To always have the money to pay whatever i bought and secondly a Long legged Bird with a big bust."

The other evening a knock at the door and when i answered it a geezer said "I am from from the Energy supplier and i would like to know how you get your Gas supplied" I said Keep your voice down ’cos i run a pipe from my
Neighbours house next door. He was gone in a.Flash.
I find its a good way to get rid of callers when you are having your evening meal.

Mothers day on Sunday 18th. March. Its agood thing that they always have it on a Sunday otherwise the Liverpool young mothers would have to be in School, so wouldent get a Lie in.

While i was on Holiday i was bitten by a Black Widow when having a drink in a Bar by the sea. It really was a savage bite, i had only said she dident look a day over Fourty.

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14/03/2012 20:28:50

thomas fleming
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If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

I said to my doctor "Call it a hunch, but I’m pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine".

I just made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet. It’s ruggish.

I’ve finally found out what chronology is. And it’s about time.

So many kids these days are addicted to brackets. I blame the parentheses.

My son’s been caught sniffing Tippex for the fifth time. He’s been admitted to a correction centre

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15/03/2012 16:38:57

thomas fleming
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Reading about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work. He wanted to transcend dental medication

I phoned the Paranoia Help Line last night but I hung up after 59 seconds. I’m sure the ba****ds were trying to trace my call.

Another man found stabbed to death in Paisley. I’m starting to see a pattern.

Someone just asked me for any tips for Cheltenham. I told him to avoid the one-way system.

I’ve got no problem buying tampons. I’m a modern man. But apparently, they’re not a "proper present".

BBC News: ’Scots throw away Ł460 worth of food each every year’. Maybe McDonalds should stop putting salad in their burgers.

My missus is so lazy. I just went for a p**s in the kitchen sink and the dishes are still there from last night’s tea.

I bought a second hand FedEx van today. I hate the colour and the uniform, but I can park it anywhere.

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16/03/2012 14:00:23

john daly
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A survey showed that early morning weddings in Liverpool are more popular than later. That way if the Marriage does not work out they have not wasted the whole day.

Paddy at the Races when a fellow came up and said "Would you like the winner of the next race?".
Paddy said "No thank you, we only have a small garden and besides we are both out at work all day."

The wife said "You men make me sick, always chasing women you don’t intend to marry, Why is that?. So i said "Well dogs chase motor cars but they don’t intend to drive them".

My Daughter came home and said "Dad can i bring my boyfriend home tonight"?. I said Whats his name?
she said "He is from Malta and is called Cuorey" I asked Whats his second name and she answered "Ossity"
I told her O.K. but with a name like that just keep him away from the Cat.

I just had to write to you. I am fed up with people calling their children stupid names these days,, like Peaches, Zak, Apricot, Pilto etc.
Yours Faithfully Jack Aloishus Turkington Podge Cranstead the Fifth.

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16/03/2012 14:29:51

john daly
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Do you know what the average Pakistani in the U.K weighs?. ............Sweets!!.

I opened our Dustbin and a wasp flew out, Who would be so cruel as to put a wasp in a Dustbin?.

If you wish to know who is mans best friend, your dog or your wife, put them both in the boot of your car, drive to the Supermarket and when you open it see who is the most glad to see you.

Took my Lad to a Muslim Birthday party and noticed that the "Musical chairs" was a bit slow, but when they played "Pass the Parcel" Oh Boy did it move.

You can’t take Tweezers on Ryanair Aircraft. Personally i think anyone that can Hi jack an Airliner with a pair of Tweezers deserves it.

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16/03/2012 22:07:45

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