Forces Reunited - SCOUSE HUMOUR

Turn off these pesky adverts! - What is this?

www.forcesreunited.org.uk >> General >> Military Stories/Jokes >> SCOUSE HUMOUR
Forces Reunited Forums

<< Prev 1 2 3 4 5 6 [7] 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 ... 359 360 Next >>

Author

Topic

Alan Anthony Yuill
"Silver Surfer"

Membership Level: Full
Posts: 17263
Status: Offline

A Scouser is driving through Liverpool with his dog in the passenger seat. A police panda car follows him for about half a mile and then puts its siren and stop sign on indicating to him to pull over. As the copper approaches the car he sees the Scouser is slapping the dog`s head. He tells the driver to wind down his window and asks "Why are you hitting the dog?" The Scouser replies, "The bloody thing just ate my tax disc"

Smile and you will always be happy.

Report Post

07/09/2010 23:18:10

thomas fleming
Add Forum Tag

Membership Level: Full
Posts: 1283
Status: Offline

President Douuuuu

After numerous rounds of "We don’t even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House with this reply:

"Tell the president he is holding the message upside down"

Report Post

07/09/2010 23:29:37

thomas fleming
Add Forum Tag

Membership Level: Full
Posts: 1283
Status: Offline

The Camel

new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the
camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know,
there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That’s why we have the Molly the Camel." The Captain says, "I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy
with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he’s
done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" No not really,
sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are".

Report Post

07/09/2010 23:32:38

John (scouse) Hirons
"The Dingbat"

Membership Level: Full
Posts: 9926
Status: Online!

Back aboard HMS Victory a Jock, a Paddy & a Scouser are sentenced to 100 lashes each but as everyone knows old Nelson was a bit of a softy & allows each of them to have anything they like on their backs;

Jock when asked what he wanted on his back he replied "Good Scotch Whisky"

They rubbed in the Scotch gave him his 100 lashes then carried him off to the cockpit.

Next it was Paddy’s turn, when asked what he wanted on his back he said "nothing but fresh air" so they laid in with his 100 lashes, after which Paddy shrugged his shoulders spat on his hands & went back to work.

Up came Scouse once again he was asked what he wanted on his back, he replied "Paddy".

A situation may be desperate but never serious

Report Post

08/09/2010 03:57:46

Alan Anthony Yuill
"Silver Surfer"

Membership Level: Full
Posts: 17263
Status: Offline

A man is rowing accross a lake in Africa on a Saturday afternoon chanting away as he rows "Bongo.....Bongo.....Bongo", at this time, a flying saucer is shooting past the earth and the
aliens spot the man and decide to beam him up to perform some tests.
After the tests are completed they decide to put him back in his boat, "Stop" the leader says, lets see what happens to this human if we remove a quarter of his brain", so the aliens remove
a quarter of the guys brain and beam him back down to his boat, "Lets see what happens to him now" the aliens say.
As the aliens watch, the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, un-nerved by his experience he continues to row accross the lake chanting on his way "Bongo......Bongo......Bongo"
Amazed by this, the aliens beam the man back up to the ship, "How can this happen, he has a quarter of his brain missing, right lets remove half of his brain and see what happens", the aliens
remove half of the mans brain leaving him with just a quarter of his brain left and beam him back down to his boat, "This should do something to him" say the aliens.
Once again, the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, as before un-nerved by his experience he continues to row accross the lake chanting on his way "Bongo......Bongo......Bongo"
This makes the aliens even more confused, "Get him back up here and remove all of his brain" says the alien leader, "This must surely have some effect". So the aliens once again beam the
man back up the ship and completely remove his brain leaving him brainless and then put him back in his boat.
And once again the man wakes up in his boat and wonders what has just happened, he cannot recall his experience and continues to row across the lake chanting on his way "Ferrry ’cross the Mersey........."

Smile and you will always be happy.

Report Post

08/09/2010 10:26:40

<< Prev 1 2 3 4 5 6 [7] 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 ... 359 360 Next >>

Moderated By: Murray Whyte, Edward Bishop,Bob Draper

Users Here: