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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That’s terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
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Bins
A refuse collector in Brisbane, Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There’s no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Chinese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where’s ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No ! No ! Mate, Where’s your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!’’ says the Chinese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector with added emphasis, "You’re misunderstanding me. Where’s your ’wheelie’ bin?’"
"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector’s ear.
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Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we’re selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious scouser walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad scouse accent asked "Worra yers sellin’ ere?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We’re selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the scouser said, "Yer doing well den, Yers`ve only two left!"
The moral for Southerners - Don’t mess with SCOUSERS!!!
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Lacquer
Grandad is sitting in the garden, rambling on with his grandson, as Grandads do. The young ’un says, "Grandad, see that worm all limp and wriggly> I bet you five pounds I can stick it back down it’s hole" "Nah, " says Grandad. "you’ll never do that." The little lad runs indoors and comes back with a can of hair lacquer. He sprays it liberally on the worm, and once the creature is stiff, he pushes it firmly down into its hole. Grandad pays up, and looking thoughtful, takes the lacquer back into the house. He returns half an hour later, and gives the boy five pounds. "No Grandad" cries the boy. "That’s OK. You already paid me"
"I know son," says the old man. "That’s off your grandma."
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A Red or a Blue
Merseyside Police have today confirmed that 2 more local Premier League footballers have once again had their homes burgled on the same night. Steven Gerrard lost a Champions League winner and runners up medal,a premier league runners up medal,1 uefa cup medal,2 charity shield winners medals,1 euro super cup,2 F.ACup and 2 League Cup winners medals and a PFA player of the years award. Tim Cahill has lost a kettle and a toaster.
