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dogs
Three Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow and one black were sitting in the surgery waiting room at the vet’s when they struck up a conversation.
The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"
The brown lab replied, "I’m a pisser. I piss on everything ... The sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed." The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown lab. "They reckon it’ll calm me down."
The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab said, "I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it when I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.
"Gonna cut my nuts off too," the dejected yellow lab said."They reckon it`ll calm me down as well"
The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I’m a humper," the black lab said. "I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, post-boxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".
The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So,its nuts off for you too, huh?"
The black lab said, "No, I’m having me nails clipped."
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us Be strong, dear. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.You be strong, dear. I love you, too."
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newly married couple getting ready for bed. As she undresses she says ’I’ve got something to confess, before we met I was a hooker,are you sure your ok with that?’ He reply’s ’Of course darling that was before we met, and to be honest, it turns me on a little, tell me more.’ ’Well’ she answered ’my name was Eric, and I played for St Helens’
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Or like the bloke visiting the docks who sees a docker writhing in pain on the floor. He asks what’s wrong with him. Another docker says "He wants to go the toilet". "So why doesn’t he go" asks the stranger. "What? On his lunch break?" comes the reply.
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the camel
A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That’s why we have the Molly the Camel." The Captain says, "I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges". Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he’s done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" No not really, sir... "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are".
