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Forces Reunited - SCOUSE HUMOUR
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John Daly ....
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Two Paddy’s sat in a Pub, one says to the other "What would you do if you had Richard Bran-sons money?" Murphy says Sure I’d spend it quickly before he found out.


Walking through town and passing a young fellow sat on the floor with a Guitar, a dog and he held up a bucket with coins in and said  "Spare change", Well i  thought how nice so i took a handful and treat myself to a  McDonald’s Burger.


I was sat in a cafe having a bowl of spaghetti hoops soup when in walked  Meatloaf, he sat down and without a word "Took the words right our of my mouth"

My wife has left me and the kids  ’cos she says i am obsessed with Ike and Tina Turner.
I told her "I hope you are proud Mary"

The golf pro. says to the learner "Right today we are going on the course and see how you are"
They go on the first Tee and the Learner swings, slices the ball, it shoots off, hits a tree then ricochets across the road, through the windscreen of a Bus  on which the driver loses control, careers across the road taking a stream of cars down an embankment and then catches Fire.
The young golfer is distraught at seeing this carnage and sobs "God what am i to do what can i do!!" The pro says  "Well for a start you should perhaps stand a little way back from the ball and spread your legs as you swing"



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02/03/2012 14:53:15
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John Daly ....
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Disneyland Paris have had to cancel their new Fireworks display as the noise has caused a nearby garrison of French Marines to surrender to some Japanese tourists.



A Group of tourists called into a Bar in Devon and found that every drink was 10p. They were merrily  getting sloshed when one asked the owner why drinks were so cheap. He told them "Last year i won 150 million on the Lottery with numbers under !0 so i decided that i would charge drinks at a maximum of 10p." The visitor said Great but i can’t help noticing that group of men at the end of the bar without drinks. "Ah that some lads from Scotland, they are waiting for the Happy Hour"


A Young Scot on his first visit to London wrote home to his Mother. "The British people are really very nice but they are so noisy, sometimes at two oclock in the morning they bang on the walls so loudly and shout that i can hardly hear myself playing the Bagpipes".


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02/03/2012 16:09:23
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thomas fleming
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Bought some camouflage trousers, haven’t been able to find them since!

My Doctor has advised me to start doing something that gets me out of the pub now and again - so I’ve taken up smoking.


The best birth control for the over 50’s..is nudity  



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02/03/2012 16:47:47
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thomas fleming
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An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home.

Why in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

"Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that’s nothin’" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there’s Ryan’s Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you’ve had enough to drink they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman’s claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you."

"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

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03/03/2012 23:47:12
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John Daly ....
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At the cashpoint yesterday an old lady said as her eye sight was not very good would i check her balance. I said "No problem love,  just stand on one leg"


I walked up to the Bar and suddenly this very attractive young lady asked "Hello, would you like a drink "   I said sure, but your a bit forward, do you come in here ofton?.  She said "Yes i am the Barmaid"

A fellow was staggering out of the Bar, i said to her Thats disgraceful he can’t even stand up straight.
she shouted "Cheerio Quasimodo see you tomorrow"


I saw a  Dating agency in Ireland advertsed so i gave them a ring and a voice said  Sunday 4th. March 2012 and hung up.


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04/03/2012 12:19:59
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