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Al-gebra
At New York’s Kennedy airport today, a man later discovered to be a school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say,there are 3 sides to every triangle," he declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction,He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse." Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks"
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A redhead named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Chris Tarrant. Tarrant: "Pam, you’re up to £500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million pounds. If you get it wrong, you drop back to £32,000. Are you ready?" Pam: "Yes." Tarrant: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Pam: "I’d like to phone a friend. I’d like to call Carol." Carol (a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?" Tarrant: "Hello Carol, it’s Chris Tarrant from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam’s..." Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That’s simple. It’s a cuckoo." Pam: "Are you sure?" Carol: "I’m sure." Tarrant: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the £500,000 or play for the million?" Pam: "I want to play; I’ll go with C) cuckoo." Tarrant: "Is that your final answer?" Pam: "Yes." Tarrant: "Are you confident?" Pam: "Yes; I think Carol’s pretty smart." Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you’re right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!" To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they’re sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" Carol: "That’s easy, everybody knows they live in clock
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"Would you remarry?" asked the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don’t you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn’t you remarry?" she asked. "Alright," said the husband, "I’d remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She’s left-handed!"
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The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. "Do you like to screw?" he asked. "Huh?!" replied the surprised first date. "My daughter, she loves to screw and she’s good at it. You and her should go screw," explained the father. Now very interested the boy replied, "Yes, sir!!!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, it’s the TWIST, get it right!"
