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Forces Reunited - A few jokes to start the day
www.forcesreunited.org.uk >> General >> Military Stories/Jokes >> A few jokes to start the day
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Alan Anthony Yuill
"Silver Surfer"





Membership Level: Full
Posts: 17263
Status: Offline
A woman standing naked, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband

"I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay me a compliment?"

The husband replies....." Well your eyesight’s spot on "

Smile and you will always be happy.
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10/05/2009 23:13:35
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Alan Anthony Yuill
"Silver Surfer"





Membership Level: Full
Posts: 17263
Status: Offline
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your pin number into the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life,
is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a  #9 on this list

Smile and you will always be happy.
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10/05/2009 23:18:03
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Alan Anthony Yuill
"Silver Surfer"





Membership Level: Full
Posts: 17263
Status: Offline
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.

Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies, "Divorce Attorney."

Smile and you will always be happy.
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10/05/2009 23:26:11
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Alan Anthony Yuill
"Silver Surfer"





Membership Level: Full
Posts: 17263
Status: Offline
RAMBLING ROSE

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says, "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.

The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.

She said, "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said ’Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wall’".

Smile and you will always be happy.
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10/05/2009 23:31:45
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Alan Anthony Yuill
"Silver Surfer"





Membership Level: Full
Posts: 17263
Status: Offline
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God !! why aren’t you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any".
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here’s 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear"
Next the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman !! You’ve no knickers ---- why not?"
She replies "I can’t afford any on the money you give me" He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here’s 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear! "
Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoot, Lassie! Why d’ye have no knickers?" She too explains, "You don’t give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any"
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here’s a COMB, tidy yourself up a bit !"

Smile and you will always be happy.
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10/05/2009 23:38:28
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