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www.forcesreunited.org.uk >> General >> Military Stories/Jokes >> A few jokes to start the day
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Alan Anthony Yuill
"Silver Surfer"

Membership Level: Full
Posts: 17263
Status: Offline

Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs was recently faced with an unusual problem. A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it.

The silence was broken by a large number of gasps, a few girls vomited and apparently someone fainted.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror .

There are teachers . . . and then there are educators.

Smile and you will always be happy.

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30/05/2009 23:31:26

Alan Anthony Yuill
"Silver Surfer"

Membership Level: Full
Posts: 17263
Status: Offline

Dear wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone
Your EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ’You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the �49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed �50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million pounds, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a penny from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that’s not a problem.

Smile and you will always be happy.

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30/05/2009 23:33:57

Alan Anthony Yuill
"Silver Surfer"

Membership Level: Full
Posts: 17263
Status: Offline

Riddle of the Day
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn’t have one.
The Pope has one but doesn’t use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.
What is it?
Answer below! (this is pretty good )

***************************

***************************

The answer is: ’A Last Name.’

Smile and you will always be happy.

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30/05/2009 23:38:07

Alan Anthony Yuill
"Silver Surfer"

Membership Level: Full
Posts: 17263
Status: Offline

Million Dollar Question

Married for many years, Paul had been ignored by his wife, Liz, for some days, so eventually he confronted her with what he perceived as the problem.

’Come on Liz, admit it,’ he ranted, ’You only married me because my granddad left me $6 million, didn’t you?’

’You really are silly, Paul,’ retorted Liz loudly, ’I couldn’t care less who left it to you.’

Smile and you will always be happy.

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31/05/2009 10:20:39

Alan Anthony Yuill
"Silver Surfer"

Membership Level: Full
Posts: 17263
Status: Offline

* Swine flu is spread by capitalist pigs
* Swine Fever is a song by Piggy Lee
* I had a bad day yesterday, I made a pig’s ear of everything I tried
* I think I have the swine flu. I have the sudden urge to eat bacon
* I think I have swine flu: I’ve broken out in rashers
* Apparently my mate’s got Swine Flu, I think he’s just telling porkies, though
* Will there be a mass outbreak of Human/Avian Swine flu? When pigs fly�
* For a normal flu, we say "achoo", but for swine flu we say "achoink"

Smile and you will always be happy.

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31/05/2009 10:45:15

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