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I’m Fine, Thank YOU
There is nothing the matter with me. I’m as healthy as I can be. I have arthritis in both my knees And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, and my blood is thin But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in. Arch supports I have for my feet Or I wouldn’t be able to be on the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning I find I’m all right. My memory is failing, my head’s in a spin But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.
The moral is this, as my tale I unfold, That for you and me who are growing old, It’s better to say "I’m fine" with a grin Than to let folks know the shape we are in.
How do I know that my youth is all spent? Well, my "get up and go" just got up and went. But I really don’t mind when I think with a grin Of all the grand places my "get up" has been.
Old age is golden, I’ve heard it said; But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed With my ears in the drawer my teeth in a cup, My eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep overtakes me, I say to myself, "Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?" When I was young my slippers were red, I could kick my heels over my head
When I was older my slippers were blue, But I still could dance the whole night through. Now I am old, my slippers are black, I walk to the store and puff my way back.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits And pick up the paper and read the obits. If my name is still missing, I know I’m not dead So I fix me some breakfast and go back to bed.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, ’When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?’ Artie said: ’I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man.’ Eugene commented: ’I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.’ Al said: ’I’d like them to say, ’Look, he’s moving!’
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Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What’s in the bags?"
"Senior, It’s only sand." replies Jose.
"Sand??? Well, we’ll just see about that - get off the bike!"
The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand.
Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose’s shoulders, and he is let across the border.
Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?"
"Sand," says Jose.
A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.
For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn’t show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you’re smuggling something. For a year it’s driven me crazy. It’s all I can think about... I can’t get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I’m beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"
Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."
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Subject: Northerners
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven , God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, ’Where have you been?’
God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, ’What is it?’ ’It’s a planet,’ replied God, ’and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.’ ’Balance?’ inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. ’For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.’
God continued, pointing to the different countries.
This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.’
The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, ’What’s that?’
’Ah,’ said God. That’s the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world’s finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.’
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, ’What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!’
God replied very wisely,
’Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I’m putting down South! Tee heee heeeeee
