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|Maurice I think i know this woman|
A WOMAN’S WEEK AT THE GYM
For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape having been in the school netball team 33 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Johnny, who identified himself as a 30-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! I am keeping a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Johnny waiting for me.
He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Johnny gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
Johnny was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my stomach was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Johnny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!
My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It’s a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the windowsill and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Johnny was a little impatient with me today, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
His voice I found a little too perky for so early in the morning
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Johnny put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Johnny told me it would help me get in shape; he said some other rubbish too.
The creep was waiting for me this morning with his vampire-like teeth exposed, as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he wasn’t looking, I ran and hid in the toilets. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
I hate that creep Johnny more than I ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Johnny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if he didn’t want dents in his floor, he shouldn’t have handed me the barbells.
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine…..
If I had the strength
I am going to church this morning so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal filling or a hysterectomy.
I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!