IAN LEWIS
"Coldm Guards/RMP"
Membership Level: Full
Posts: 241
Status: Offline | jokes for a week
It was Postman Pat’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they ;went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.
’All this was just too wonderful for words,’ he said, ’but what’s the quid for?’
’Well,’ said the dumb blonde, ’Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you’. ’I asked him what I should give you’.
He said, ’F--KHIM. Give him a quid.’
She smiled shyly and said, ’The breakfast was my idea.’
Conjoined twins walk into a pub in Sydney and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two VB’s thanks."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to the States next month," says John. "We go to the States every year, hire a car, and drive for miles, don’t we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, The States!" says the bartender. "Wonderful Country ... The climate, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don’t like that American crap," says John. "Pies, peas and VB, that’s us, hey, Jim? And we can’t stand the Yanks; not civil and polite like us Aussies."
"So why keep going to The States?" asks the bartender.
"It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Subject: Nude Runner
Nude Runner A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. ’Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!’ ’I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there!’ ’If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied. ’He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!’ ; So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked. ’Oh yes!’ he replied, gasping in air. ’It feels so wonderfully free!’ Another runner moved a long side.’Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?’ ’Oh, yes’ our friend answered breathlessly. ’That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!’ Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ’Do you always wear a condom when you run?’ ’Nope...just when it’s raining.’
’LIFE’ THOUGHTS BY ’DUCKY’
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with ’Guess’ on it.
So I said ’Implants?’ She hit me.
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?
When I was young we used to go ’skinny dipping,’ now I just ’chunky dunk.’
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press ’Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN, AMEN!
Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A completely brilliant question!!!!!!!
Bumper sticker of the year:
’If you can read this, thank a teacher -
and, since it’s in English, thank a soldier’
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?
Another completely brilliant question!!!!
This is fantastic and true. It’s the essence of politics… BULLSHIT
No matter what side of the AISLE you’re on, THIS is FUNNY!
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California , was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid’s great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:
On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: ’Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.’
So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.
Harry Reid:
Believe it or not, Harry Reid’s staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
NOW THAT’s how it’s done, Folks! That’s real POLITICAL SPIN !!!
GOD BLESS AMERICA
And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
You just might want to pass this along...
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