IAN LEWIS
"Coldm Guards/RMP"
Membership Level: Full
Posts: 241
Status: Offline | few jokes for the weekend
A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".
The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".
As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"
The man says, "Ten years, ten years I’ve been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."
The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."
The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"
A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologised and explained, "I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite wine?
A: "Daddy! can I go to Miami!
Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
Q: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: There are some things even a blonde won’t do.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: Why do blondes look up and smile at lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!
Q: Why do blondes have square breasts?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!
Q: What do UFO’s and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: Why can’t blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.
Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
A: "Mary... that’s cute. What did you name the other one?"
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!"
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain ?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: Why aren’t blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can’t even keep two calves together!
Q: What did the blonde’s right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They’ve never met.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn’t get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Are you boys all in the same band?"
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she’s been laid all over the country.
Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex ?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A: She drops her nail-file
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde’s ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON’T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN?
A: Because she didn’t know which one came first!
Q: How can you confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.
Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A: Nothing, they never met.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can’t fetch a beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Because the blondes couldn’t manage it either.
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A Golden retriever!
Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts?
A: Change!
Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know which day of the week it is.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won’t follow you around for a week!
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
A: They heard that under seventeen weren’t admitted!
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have a black box.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she’s pregnant.
Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
A: She threw out all the W’s
A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there’s a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it’s Texas he’s sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he’s sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he’s eaten it. When the man’s finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can’t believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that’s never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can’t believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What’s your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don’t understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It’s something to do with that green banana isn’t it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I’m just a really bad conductor"
One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I’ll be better in a second"
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says "We don’t approve of womanizing!"
The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR BOSS
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.
When you take a stand, you’re being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.
When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.
-mail one
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Regards,
Project Leader
e-mail two
Attention: Human Resources
Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.
Regards,
Project Leader
JOB SEARCH JARGON
Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you’re fired.
CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won’t answer questions
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We’re not going to supply you with leads; there’s no base salary; you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we’re in trouble, you’ll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
|
IAN LEWIS | | Report Post |
|
