IAN LEWIS
"Coldm Guards/RMP"
Membership Level: Full
Posts: 241
Status: Offline | lots of jokes
Bought a Concordia lottery ticket last week, hope its not a Roll over.
This is your Captain speaking, "Please do not panic, if you look to your right you will see lots of lifeboats for you to board, if you look to the left you will see me stood on the shore"
Wheres there is tragedy there is humour.........
On E.Bay today.
One Italian Luxury Liner, Spacious and well furnished only problem is Sat Nav. dodgy, Buyer must collect. Offers.
When the Concordia started to sink there was a rush to get into the Lifeboats you could spot the British by the way they formed an orderly queue with the women and children first.
Sky T.V. reports that the Italian liner "Lurched from side to side" Is that not what all Italians do in times of trouble ??.
Whats the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken liner ?? No difference, The bottom has dropped out of both.
One passenger Mr. Rosenberg has submitted his insurance claim for loss of luggage..... including a set of golf clubs and a pair of Skis.
The Captain of the Concordia has admitted this calamity is all his fault, "I made the mistake of ignoring the Italian manufacturers instructions.
"Never take this Liner out of REVERSE gear"
The Italian police are still interviewing the Korean honeymoon couple that were rescued from the Liner Concordia. The Police are concerned for the whereabouts of the Rescue Dog.
When asked by a member of the Concordia liner about knowing the direction they were heading the Captain replied "Off course i do"
Attention passengers, this is your Captain speaking, I you look to the Port side you will see the beautiful Tuscan skyline and if you if you look closely at the water on the Starboard side you will see the old Italian Navy.
As it looks like the Chinese are going to buy Liverpool football club there is a move to bring in Chinese interpretors so they can be understood. Personally i could do with an interpretor every time Steve Gerrard speaks.
After his retirement Winston Churchill was cruising the Mediterranean on an Italian cruise liner and some Italian journalists asked why an ex British Prime Minister should choose an Italian ship.
"There are three things I like about being on an Italian cruise ship" said Churchill.
"First their cuisine is unsurpassed. Second their service is superb. And then, in time of emergency, there is none of this nonsense about women and children first."
The Tour Bus stops at Runnymede and the American and Chineses Tourists disembark.
Guide "This is where the Magna Carta was signed"
Tourist 1.. When was that ?.
Guide "1215"
Tourist 2. Gee Dolores we goddam missed the signing by just 20 minutes
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman
in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was
reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ’Mom, that
lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, ’The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his
parents.’
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone
rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ’Mommy can’t come to
the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he
was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for
cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ’What’s the matter, haven’t you
ever seen a little boy before?’
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a
little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ’Are you a
cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed
help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ’Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ’Well, then,’ she said
as she extended her foot toward me, ’would you please tie my shoe?’
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered
my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
’Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ’It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ’What’d he do?’
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my
4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage
of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ’The tooth fairy will never believe this!’
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his
tuxedo, she warned, ’Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’ ’And why not, darling?’ ’You know
that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a
prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had
found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned
his version of what he thought his father always said: ’Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the
Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ’I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her
mother. ’I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’
11 ) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw
was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ’Mama, look what I found,’ the boy
called out. ’What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he
answered, ’I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Sydney’s Eastern Suburbs was recently faced with an unusual problem. A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it.
The silence was broken by a large number of gasps, a few girls vomited and apparently someone fainted.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror .
There are teachers . . . and then there are educators.
Car bumper stickers
This car is not a road block
Please don’t intercept my pass
Caution: I drive like you do.
If it’s too loud, you’re too old.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Geez if you love Honkus.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have a learner’s permit
HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS
(Actual writings from hospital charts)
These classified were really put in the paper - a smile for your day
FREE! YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES
Half Cocker Spaniel, half sneaky neighbour’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother, a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog . . Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,
’When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?’
Suzy raised her hand and said, ’I think it’s your hands.’ ’Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?’
Suzy replied, ’Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just
takes your hands first.’ ’What a wonderful answer!’ the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, ’Sister, I think it’s your feet.’ The nun looked at him with the
strangest look on her face.
’Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?’
Little Johnny said, ’Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, Oh ! God, I’m coming!’
If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, w e’d have lost her.’
The Nun fainted.
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.
"You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that’s nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin’ comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what’s so bad about being 80?"
"I don’t wake up until 7:00."
~ You are only old when you quit laughing ~
ACTUAL ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES:
"My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your
name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished."
"A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we’re not
here. So leave a message."
"Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you
owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money."
"Hi. Now you say something."
"Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets."
"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and
they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and
a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call."
"Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me
a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you."
"Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us."
"Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right
now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it
up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly.
So leave a
message, and we’ll get back to you when we’re done brushing our teeth
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ’Let’s go.’
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ’Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’
’Why?’ asked the pilot.
’Because I’m a photographer for Fox Cable News,’ he responded. ’And I need to get some close up shots.’
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment.
Finally he stammered, ’So, wh wh what y y y you’re t t t t telling me is .... y y y you’re NOT m m m m my flight instructor?’
Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Revenue Canada office.
The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ’Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure Revunue Canada finds that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ’How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ’Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ’I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ’It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ’Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
’Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ’I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk..
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
’Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
’Not really,’ says the attorney. ’This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’
Don’t Mess with Old People!!
UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, ’Do you want to go up or down?’
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady , ’Up or down ?’
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, ’Up or down ?’
The woman replied, ’Down.’
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, ’Up or down ?’
She replied, ’Up.’
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, ’What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!’
She replied, ’Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were f#ck or drown...
Q What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.
Q: How can you tell if a man is well hung?
A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they are practicing to be men.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him, or three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after Mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?
A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals."
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on ’Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ’Do you know what your asshole is doing, while you’re having an orgasm?’
She replied, ’Probably fishing with his mates.’
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........
Twelve Nude Priests E-mail
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest and bent over to pick it up.
Then all the other bells started to ring....
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don’t take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don’t know,
but you know deserves it.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I’d forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
’Hello.’
I politely said,
’This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?’
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
’Get the right f***ing number!’
and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn ’s correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the ’wrong’ number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
’You’re an asshole!’
and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word ’asshole’ next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I’d call him up and yell,
’You’re an asshole!’
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my theraputic ’asshole’
calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
’Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?’
He yelled
’NO!’
and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
’That’s because you’re an asshole!’
and hung up.
One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a ’For Sale ’ sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later,
right after calling the first asshole
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I’d better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said,
’Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?’
He said,
’Yes, it is.’
I then asked,
’Can you tell me where I can see it?’
He said,
’Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ..
It’s a yellow ranch style house and the car’s parked right out in front.’
I asked,
’What’s your name?’
He said,
’My name is Don Hansen,’
I asked,
’When’s a good time to catch you, Don?’
He said,
’I’m home every evening after five.’
I said,
’Listen, Don, can I tell you something?’
He said,
’Yes?’
I said,
’Don, you’re an asshole!’
Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called asshole #1.
He said,
’Hello.’
I said,
’You’re an asshole!’
(But I didn’t hang up.)
He asked,
’Are you still there?’
I said,
’Yeah!’
He screamed,
’Stop calling me,’
I said,
’Make me,’
He asked,
’Who are you?’
I said,
’My name is Don Hansen.’
He said,
’Yeah? Where do you live?’
I said,
’Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.’
He said,
’I’m coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.’
I said,
’Yeah, like I’m really scared, asshole,’
and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2.
He said,
’Hello?’
I said,
’Hello, asshole,’
He yelled,
’If I ever find out who you are...’
I said,
’You’ll what?’
He exclaimed,
’I’ll kick your ass,’
I answered,
’Well, asshole, here’s your chance.
I’m coming over right now.’
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax ..
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ..
I got there just in time to watch two assholes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
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