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john daly
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Our Doctor gave me some tablets for the Missus to take to help with our sex life. They are really amazing
and helped a lot. The only thing is I have had to buy an alarm clock to wake her up afterwards.

I have always wanted to know what the inside of a golf ball looked like so this morning I picked one up and sliced it in half, A geezer in funny trousers came up and went bananas.

I gave this good looking lass a lift this morning and she was very chatty so I invited myself into her flat for a coffee, after a while things got steamy and when I returned to my vehicle the Inspector would not let me back on my bus.

Divers on the stricken Cruise ship Concordia found two Glaswegians at the Bar, They told the Italian divers "F..k Off we are inclusive"

Teacher in Glasgow school asks a kid "If you have Ł5. and I ask to borrow Ł2. what will you have left ?.
The kid says "Ł5. Miss.

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18/05/2013 21:28:43

john daly
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Something useful I have learned from being a cat owner. If you are in the jungle and come face to face with a man eating tiger simply turn on a vacuum cleaner.

The word Complete and the word Finished are so similar sometimes folks get confused as to their use.
below is an explanation.
If you marry the right one you are Complete.
If you marry the wrong one you are Finished.
If you let the right one catch you with the wrong one you are Completely Finished.

Breaking news .... "David Beckham retires from Football" Victoria says " That’s good news David you can now come to all my singing dates with the girls.......................Beckham signs 5 year deal with Accrington Stanley.

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20/05/2013 20:48:44

john daly
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Mrs Murphy was attempting to sue St. Marys Hospital in Dublin for her Husbands loss of interest in Sex after being in there for treatment. A spokesman for the Hospital said "We have informed Mr’s. Murphy that her Husband Paddy came in to the Opthalmic Dept. to have his eyesight corrected and nothing else."

In the next Queens speech she is going to point out to the Government that there are two many Germans and Greeks coming here and getting rich quick.

I passed the Audition in Glasgow for the Scottish version of "Chronicles of Narnia" it is to be called "Lying Pissed in the Wardrobe"

New guidelines for Teachers in Liverpool dealing with Stroppy Kids 1. "Stand up Straight" 2. "Take your hands out of My pockets"

A wealthy rough and ready Irish farmer sends his daughter to a French school to try and get her to be a lady. After 12 months she writes "Daddy please send me some money for new clothes as I have just got engaged to a French Count"
He replies "I’m sending you nothing until your spelling improves"

Paddy says to Mick "Come with me on this Bank Job, it is money for nothing, no one will know me in this Ski mask and jacket" Mick says " No thanks but don’t you think them Skis will slow up your getaway ?"

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21/05/2013 16:46:33

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