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SCOUSE HUMOUR
A scouser is on holiday in Arizona USA. He’s staying in a remote frontier type town and walks into a bar .
He orders his drink and sits down at the bar when he notices a native American Indian, dressed in full regalia, feathered head dress, tomahawk, spear, the lot, sitting in the corner under a sign saying ’Ask me anything’
The scouser is intrigued and asks the barman about him.
’Oh, we call him the memory man, He knows everything.’ says the barman.
’What do you mean he knows everything?’ asks the scouser.
’Well, he knows every fact there is to know and he never, ever forgets anything’
’Yeah right’ says the scouser.
’If you don’t believe me, try him out. Ask him anything, and he’ll know the answer’
’Alright’ says the Scouser and walks up to the Memory Man.
’Where am I from ?’
’Knotty Ash, Liverpool , England ’ says the Red Indian. And he was right.
’Alright’ says the scouser, ’that was easy you probably recognised my accent. Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?’
’ Liverpool ’ says the memory man quick as a flash.
’Yes and who did they play?’
’Leeds United’ again without blinking
’And the score?’
’2-1’ says the memory man without hesitation.
’Pretty good,but I bet you don’t know who scored the winning goal?’
’Ian St John’ says the Indian in an instant.
Flabbergasted the tourist continues on his holiday and on his return to Birkenhead tells all and sundry about the amazing Memory Man. He just can’t get him out of his mind and so he vows to return and find him again and pay him his due respect .
He saves his dole money for years and finally twelve years later he has saved enough and returns to the states in search of the memory man.
He searches high and low for him. And after two weeks of trying virtually every bar and town in Arizona he finds him sitting in a cave in the mountains, older, greyer and more wrinkled than before but still resplendent in his warpaint and full regalia.
The scouser, duly humbled approaches him and decides to greet him in the traditional manner..
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CHIVE TALKING
Walked past the fridge before and thought I heard an onion singing a Bee Gees song. But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talkin.. I asked the chive if it wanted to be an onion? But it said " I’m staying a chive, stayinin a chive, ah, ah, ah staying a chive, ah ah ah stayin a chiiiiivv.e
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A WOMAN’S PLACE
As an aircraft is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically & shouts,"If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothes & asks," Is there someone on the plane who can make me eel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt & says, "Here, iron this."
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POLICE REACTIONS
One night, an 84 years old man was just getting into bed when he heard a loud noise downstairs,suspecting that he was being burgled,and feeling to frail to go downstairs and have a confrontation, he phoned 999 asked for the police "I think I am being burgled he cried send somone as fast as you can, he,s still in the house" "I,m sorry sir we have no available units ,all of our officers are dealiing with other incidents,can you call again in 10 minutes"!!!!!! The old man waited for 10 minutes and rang 999 again "I,m sorry sir we still have no units available" By this time the old man was very scared and thought that the burgler might be brazen enough to come upstairs, so he again rang 999,"don,t bother sending anyone, I have found my sons old shotgun in the wardrobe and I am going downstairs to shoot the burgler" The phone fell suddenly silent and within 10 minutes there were 5 rapid response units followed shortly afterwards by 5 more armed response vehicles 10 patrol cars 2 RUC type armoured cars,15 dog handlers,2 trained negotiators a police video van and the local police helicopter was hovering over the roof with it,s spotlight shining on the old mans front door!!! "Come out with your hands up" cried a megaphone and after about 2 minutes the front door opened slowly and out stepped the old man with his hands held high, "It,s OK" shouted the old man," I disturbed the burgler and he fled out the back window" "WE THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO SHOOT HIM" said the negotiator!!!!!!!!! "YES" said the old man " AND I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD NO ONE AVAILABLE" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A professor at The University of Cork was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in Ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. " Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands." That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"3 students raise their hands." That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Paddy raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big Irishman from Limerick got up with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Paddy, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?" Paddyreplied, "Shiiiit! from way back der oi I tought you said a goat :lol: :lol: :lol:
