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Bar Jokes
A sailor and a pirate are drinking at a waterfront bar and they proceed to swap sea stories. The sailor notes the pirate’s peg leg, eye patch and hook.
"So tell me," asks the sailor, "how did you come to lose that leg?"
"Arrgh," says the pirate, "’Twas a black squall swept me overboard. Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off and I’ve had this peg leg ever since."
"Wow!" says the sailor. "And how’d you get the hook?"
"We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate. "Some scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I’ve had this hook ever since."
"Amazing!" says the sailor. "And what about the eye patch?"
"Arrgh," says the pirate. "’Twas a seagull pooped in me eye."
"A seagull?" asks the sailor, a bit incredulous.
"Well, I should explain," says the pirate. "’Twas me first day with the new hook."
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Bar Jokes
Reasons Why Beer is Better than Cucumbers ------------------------------------------------------------- Beer bottles don’t get sprayed with pesticides
Beer bottles don’t shrivel up and grow mouldy if you leave them in the fridge for a month.
Beer is always in season.
Beer removes unsightly flab and wrinkles (on the person you’re looking at, if you drink enough of it :-)
Eating cucumbers to forget doesn’t work.
Reasons Why Cucumbers are Better than Beer --------------------------------------------------------------- You can’t get drunk, no matter how many cucumbers you eat.
Cucumbers won’t give you a hangover.
Cucumbers have fewer calories.
Your wife won’t complain about you sitting around all day watching TV and eating cucumbers.
You can grow your own cucumbers without buying lots of equipment.
Your wife won’t complain that your breath stinks of cucumbers.
You can eat as many cucumbers as you like, and drive home later.
You can open a cucumber using only your teeth.
Having your face slashed with a cucumber doesn’t hurt (much).
You can eat the whole cucumber, skin ’n’ all.
A cucumber won’t shatter if you drop it on the ground.
You can shake up a cucumber, and it won’t explode when you bite it.
You don’t have to worry about getting cucumber stains on your clothes.
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Bar Jokes
One day there were two drunks on a boat drinking beer.
All of a sudden, a big storm approached. It tossed the boat from here to there, up and down, left and right.
When it passed, the drunks were stranded in a life boat for a few days. Just when they thought it was all over, one of the men spotted a bottle floating next to the life boat. He retrieved it from the ocean and, after giving it a quick rub, a genie popped out.
"I am a genie, and I will grant you one wish," said the genie.
The man who found the bottle replied, "I wish I had something to drink!"
"Granted." The genie disappeared and the ocean became all beer.
The other man said, "My God! Do you realize what you have done?"
The first man replied solemnly, "Yeah, now we have to pee in the boat."
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Bar Jokes
A pig went into a bar and asked the bartender for a glass of water. The bartender gave the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the bartender if he could use the restroom. The bartender said, "Sure. It’s down the hall and to your right."
A little while later another pig went into the bar and asked the bartender for two glasses of water. The bartender gave the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the bartender if he could use the restroom. The bartender said, "Sure. It’s down the hall and to your right."
Soon after, another pig went into the bar and asked the bartender for three glasses of water. The bartender gave the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the bartender if he could use the restroom. The bartender said, "Sure. It’s down the hall and to your right."
Then another pig went into the bar and asked the bartender for four glasses of water. The bartender gave the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the bartender if he could use the restroom. The bartender said, "Sure. It’s down the hall and to your right."
After a little while another pig went into the bar and asked the bartender for five glasses of water. The bartender gave the pig the water and the pig drank all five glasses and was about to leave when the bartender stopped him and said, "Wait a minute. All these other pigs have come in here and drank between one and four glasses of water and they all needed to use the restroom. But you drank five whole glasses of water. Why don’t you need to use the restroom too?"
And the pig replied, "Don’t you know the story? I’m the little pig that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."
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Bar Jokes
Walking up to the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I’m so ticked off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damn husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that’s tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room, he said, ’Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And the lazy son of a bitch urinated out the window right onto my head."
"Yuck!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you’re in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out the window. And where does it land? On my damn forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I’m not finished. What really ticked me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his butt out the window and let loose right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY ticked me off? When I looked down, I noticed that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
