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A few jokes to start the day
THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF
1-- Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2-- Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3-- Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4-- For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5-- Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6-- The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7-- It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to explore the entire course, with special attention to hills, valleys and we..-formed bunkers.
8-- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.
9-- Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their protection.
10-- Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they consider to be a private course.
11-- Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12-- Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13-- Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.
14-- It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15-- The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
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Clearly Defined Words:
ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing. ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got. BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack of responsibility at the other end. CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself. CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold. COOKIE - A virgin doughnut. DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket. DIARY - Book of revelations. DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all over them without getting his face slapped. FATHER’S DAY - Nine months before labor day. GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight on his elbows. HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses’ asses showing their horses. HUSBAND - What is left after the nerve has been killed. KEPT WOMAN - One who wears mink all day and fox all night. A KISS - Upper persuasion for lower invasion; upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise. MORNING - The time of day when the rising generation retires, and the retiring generation arises. NURSE - A pan handler. NURSERY - A place to park last year’s fun until it grows up a bit. PAPOOSE - Consolation prize for taking a chance on an Indian blanket. PIMP - A crack salesman; a nookie bookie. SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don’t. SPRING FEVER - When the iron in your blood turns to lead in your pencil. STORK - The bird that had none of the fun in bringing the babies. TAXIDERMIST - A man who mounts animals. VIRGIN WOOL - Wool from a sheep that can outrun a sheep herder.
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Bumper Stickers
1} The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. 2) I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me. 4) Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive. 7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 8) You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 9) BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore. 10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. 11) So you’re a feminist...Isn’t that cute. 12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 15) I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 16) My kid had sex with your honour student. 17) Earth first...we’ll mind the other planets later. 18) I’m just driving this way to piss you off. 19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 21) I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ. 22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 23) God must love stupid people, he made so many. 24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 28) It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. 29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 30) I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 31) Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself. 32) Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. 33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 36) CAT----- The Other White Meat 37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon 38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A##holes 39) I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want? 40) Remember My Name------You’ll Be Screaming It Later. 41) Welcome To Sh#t Creek-----Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles 42) If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother. 43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you’re an a##hole.
Membership Level: Full Posts: 17263 Status: Offline
Bumper Stickers
1} The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. 2) I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me. 4) Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive. 7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 8) You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 9) BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore. 10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. 11) So you’re a feminist...Isn’t that cute. 12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 15) I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 16) My kid had sex with your honour student. 17) Earth first...we’ll mind the other planets later. 18) I’m just driving this way to piss you off. 19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 21) I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ. 22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 23) God must love stupid people, he made so many. 24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 28) It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. 29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 30) I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 31) Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself. 32) Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. 33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 36) CAT----- The Other White Meat 37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon 38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A##holes 39) I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want? 40) Remember My Name------You’ll Be Screaming It Later. 41) Welcome To Sh#t Creek-----Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles 42) If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother. 43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you’re an a##hole.
Membership Level: Full Posts: 17263 Status: Offline
Bumper Stickers
1} The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette. 2) I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me. 4) Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them. 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6) Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive. 7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 8) You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me. 9) BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore. 10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made. 11) So you’re a feminist...Isn’t that cute. 12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. 15) I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 16) My kid had sex with your honour student. 17) Earth first...we’ll mind the other planets later. 18) I’m just driving this way to piss you off. 19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 21) I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ. 22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 23) God must love stupid people, he made so many. 24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. 27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 28) It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better. 29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else. 30) I know what you’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 31) Elvis is dead, and I’m not feeling too good myself. 32) Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. 33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes. 34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 36) CAT----- The Other White Meat 37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon 38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With A##holes 39) I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want? 40) Remember My Name------You’ll Be Screaming It Later. 41) Welcome To Sh#t Creek-----Sorry, We’re Out of Paddles 42) If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother. 43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you’re an a##hole.
